The Gourmet Stoner Tips: Going to the restaurant

There are two kinds of stoners: Those who get the munchies right after smoking and those who lie and say they don't get the munchies (I believe that should be categorized as an eating disorder). Whether we enjoyed a toke on the top of a mountain after finishing a strenuous hike, in the comfort of our home or at a coffee shop in Amsterdam we all face a situation that leads to hours of discussion and complex tasks if not handled properly: What are we going to eat?

While cooking or buying a good healthy meal at supermarket is always an option, let's face it....Munchies doesn't really rhyme with Tofu and beets but it does rhyme with cookies and goodies....and those goodies are even better if you don't have to move a finger or wash a single dish after it's all said and eaten...so we usually opt for the other option: Going to a restaurant.

Now going to a restaurant with other people can be a daunting task in the first place, but if one of the members in the group happens to be stoned, it becomes a whole new experience. However, it does have potential to go well if the stoner has been trained properly.

There are a few rules that everyone should observe when going to a restaurant but these following rules are especially important for potheads who forget everything their mama taught them when they walk into food heaven.

1: Pick a location before you go
This might seem like an obvious one but how many times have you just gotten into your car driving to a neighborhood saying: We'll park the car and walk around and see what looks good. Here's what's going to happen: by the time you park your car everyone will already be starving....so everything will look good and nobody is going to want to walk around looking at other people eating. Pick a restaurant and go there (DO NOT stop a gas station or at a liquor store on the way there...there will be too many tempting munchies options that will kill your appetite)
Budget Tip: DO NOT pick a restaurant where you can't afford the most expensive item on the menu because chances are: that's what you're going to order when you're stoned.

2: Know what you're going to order before you get there:
There will be waiters going across the room with desserts in their hands, sizzling dishes, and cold pints of beer and you will be surrounded with delicious dishes on other customers' tables so it will become harder to make a decision once you get there.We all have smart phones and most restaurants have their menu online, and there is no excuse for spending ten minutes deciding what you're going to eat when everyone else is about to collapse because they're so hungry. While some stoners might think it's funny that you keep repeating "Everything looks sooooooo Goooooood!" every five seconds while reading the menu, others might want to grab their fork and stick it in your eye. Also: DO AVOID restaurants with pictures of their dishes...It is a stoner's worst ennemy and you will never get out of that restaurant the same person you were before you went in.

3: DO wash you hands before you eat
You grabbed a few nugs and shared drug paraphernalia with a bunch of other stoners, maybe touched a few door handles along the way, then you sat down at a table and touched a menu, and you're likely to order a burger that you're going to grab with your two hands and if the sauce is good you're going to lick every single one of your fingers in the process. So go wash your hands or you'll be wondering if you're sick because of the smelly fish or because of your smelly fingers.

4: DO NOT Stare:
There will also be a lot of other distractions in the restaurant like Televisions, hot waitresses, and amusing signs...DO NOT stare! Once you start staring you will get lost in whatever you're staring at and the group will take advantage of that by stealing fries from your plate and you will look like the creep in the restaurant.

5: DO NOT go to a "All-You-Can-Eat" Restaurant
While this may sounds like a smart plan at the time when you decide to go after you tenth bong hit, you might either regret it the morning after.....or you will regret it that same day. Either way, nothing comes out of a group of stoners going to a restaurant where the customer is allowed to eat a much as their stomach can take. Smoking somehow makes the brain think that our stomach is bigger than it actually is and when we come down form our high, we realize that it wasn't actually a black hole where food was disappearing from the surface of the earth.

6: DO Order water with your meal
Yeah, I knwo you "need" your beer and the cold pop makes your brain "tingle" but your cottonmouth is telling you one thing: You need to give it some good ol' water. Your body will thank you.,,,especially after you eat at that all-you-can-eat sushis restaurant in the middle of the desert.

7: DO NOT laugh obnoxiously
I do realize it's easier said than done and if somebody says something funny we would probably all laugh. But if the cooks in the kitchen can hear you laughing then maybe it's a little too loud. Think of your obnoxious stoner laugh as a fart: We know you can't help it but just go outside for a second if you're laughing so hard that tears are coming out of your dry eyes.

8: DO Order dessert when the Waitress asks
Let's face it, someone in the group will have a sweet tooth, and even if you don't want to indulge too much, you know you're going to grab one of those spoons when it's time for everyone to share that one slice of goodness....or you will regret not trying it. The waitress will be happy too because her tip just got bigger and everyone will come out of this experience a happy camper.

9: DO take your leftovers in a take away box
It might feel like this was the biggest meal you've ever had and there's no way you're ever going to eat anything again for at least twelve hours, but believe me: when you come back home to enjoy your digestive joint, you will be grateful for that food an hour later when all you have to do is throw it in the microwave to re-heat it. DO NOT stare at the food while you're microwaving it, the waves might damage your brain.

10: DO Leave a nice tip...if one of the members in your group didn't follow one of these rules
Whether you realize it or not, chances are that one person in your group was that annoying stoner that didn't follow these rules....and even if everybody acted in a civilized manner, you probably scared off other customers who may have enjoyed a cup of coffee or another beer...so be nice to the person who just made your life so much easier and fed you a delicious meal.

The summer of smores

Summer is the time we all like to go camping for a weekend, to get away from the city, breathe some fresh air and roast some marshmallows. After the tent is pitched and the fire started, there is nothing like gathering around the warm fire with a beer and some smores.

Trying to roast a marshmallow to perfection is a skill and not setting it on fire is always a challenge, but taking care of your munchies with the most devilish treat is always a great way to spend some time outdoor.

However, when the fun is over and you have to drive back to reality, smores can still be enjoyed indoor with the leftovers from the trip. They make a great last minute dessert and are easy to bake in the oven. Just prepare your sandwich, throw it in the preheated oven at 375 degrees, wait 10 minutes, and grab yourself the drink of choice that will help you chase down the sugary cement.

You will still make a mess at home and you better be ready to lick caramelized sugar off your fingers and be equipped with a lot of napkins, but every bite is worth the trouble and this sinful "sandwich" never disappoints.

You can see and buy some "Smores" pictures on my Istockphoto portfolio and I invite you to take a look at my "Food and Drinks" lightbox.

"Thomas Hill Organics" Market Bistro - Paso Robles

This week I had the chance to spend some time in the Redwoods National Park near Big Sur and enjoyed every second of this short vacation. On the way down, I took the scenic route from Cambria to Palos Robles to stop at a restaurant for my girlfriend's birthday. 

Paso Robles is like the mini "Napa Valley" of Southern California. It's somewhat of a small city but it's full of inviting wine tasting rooms and charming restaurants with local flavors. It was already late when we arrived there and most of the places were closed, but we ended up falling upon what ended up being one of the best culinary experiences I've ever had: "Thomas Hill Organics" Market Bistro.

When I went on their website to check the menu before walking in, I was delighted to learn that their menu changed every day depending on what the cook found at the local organic farms and markets. That was a good sign.

We walked in and I immediately apologized for wearing what I had been wearing at the campsite which consisted of black sweat pants, sandals and a "Smurf" T-shirt with firewood scent...but that's what I also loved about this restaurant: they didn't kick us out. We sat down in their outdoor patio that was simply but elegantly decorated and we started salivating at the menu that was full of creative dishes made with fresh local produce.

We started with some local white wine from the Paso Robles Bodegas Winery, and we ordered the appetizer that we were going to share: "Braised Beluga Lentil Tacos, Carrot Ginger Purée, Candied Jalapenos, Chews & coconut, Watermelon, Cilantro"

These Tacos were by far the most delicious and inventive tacos I had ever had. The mix of the flavorful organic vegetables and the sweet fruits was the best way to get a taste of this incomparable restaurant. 

We then shared two entrées (I love to share all the dishes on the table to get a taste of everything). The first one was: "Pan Roasted Alaskan Halibut Cheeks, Roasted Baby Beets, Macerated Strawberries Pickled Watermelon, Coconut Cream, Mint Leaves, Citrus Vinaigrette". Here's the thing, I'm usually not a fan of beets but this restaurant's chef changed my view on beets that night. Every bite out of this original dish was heavenly, the presentation was sophisticated and enticing, the fish was perfectly cooked, and the staff was incredibly friendly.

Our second Entrée was a thin crust pizza with THO apples, Bacon, Mon Brie Cheese, Roasted Red Onion and Cremini Mushrooms. We had ordered a glass of red wine from their fabulous wine list at this point and I had to take a picture of the wine list because this wine was one of the boldest and tastiest red wine I had drank in a long time. (Our incredible red wine was: "Thomas Hill Vineyards 10' Miscela Delle Colline"). Eating the pizza while munching on this crispy and savory pizza was a perfect way to finish the meal.....before dessert of course.

I tried to be sneaky and I pretended to go to the bathroom to ask our waiter to bring a dessert with thirty candles. That was the only time they manged to disappoint me because they had run out of candles, and I think our waiter was also a little shy so he didn't even try to sing "happy birthday", but the "Chocolate Fondant (flourless chocolate cake) with Dulce de Leche and Honey Frosting" made up for it. We cleaned off the plate and shared coffee brought to the table in a French press. They apparently create their coffee blend themselves by picking some of their favorite beans and mixing them together.

They had a few baskets full of fresh fruits from the farm by the front door and we bought a pound of a medley of fruits and headed back on the road to Los Angeles. At this point, you understand that I highly recommend this restaurant if you drive to San Francisco, from San francisco, or if you ever get remotely close to Paso Robles while you drive on the 101 freeway. Even if you're a little far from it, it is definitely worth the drive. 

Chocolate Crepes

Last night I had the worst craving for some chocolate but the closest thing that resembled chocolate in my house was a bottle of Hershey's Syrup. I am not a big fan of that syrup but going to buy something else was a little out of the question since my car was out of battery and I couldn't walk anywhere so I decided to make the best out of a bad situation by making crepes.

So I pulled out of a bowl, took 4 eggs out of the fridge, mixed them with 1 cup of milk and one cup of flour, a teaspoon of salt, a teaspoon of sugar, and since there was no way I was going to wait an hour before making my first crepe I added a little bit of beer in the mix so the dough would settle faster.

I heated up the pan (I used a regular pan but you can buy a cheap crepe maker online)
 and greased it with butter and when it was warm enough the nigh turned into a crepes party...and of course I ended up eating too many of them

My new favorite Chocolate

Opening the mailbox isn't what it used to be.A decade ago we were still eager to open it in the hope of finding a letter from a lover or a Christmas bonus from the grandparents. It was always an exciting experience, filled with colorful stamps, scented paper and creative writing. It often came as a surprise and was a thoughtful gesture. Now, I have to dig through the massive amounts of coupons and advertising to get a hold of the bills that are overdue because....I never open my mail. We get e-cards, texts and emails for Christmas where dozens of other friends can be attached in the same message at the same time. Last week though, I received a package from my awesome friend in Switzerland who mailed me back the sunglasses I had left at her place. Since it was Christmas time, she even sent me some chocolate covered marshmallows two tablets of some of the most amazing chocolate I had ever had. The chocolate was filled with chocolate mousse inside and it had pieces of Hazelnut. It was like a fancy schoko-bon!...I did however sit on my favorite pair of sunglasses and broke them...but the chocolate made me forget all about it.

A very special Frenchgiving

Yesterday we all celebrated thanksgiving by fattening ourselves up with some good food and by being thankful that our liver can still handle the copious amount of alcohol that is added to the mix. This year I didn't get the chance to spend this holiday with my family so we celebrated it with some friends in a beautiful apartment that overlooks the Santa Monica boardwalk with its Ferris wheel in the background. Since I enjoy cooking, I volunteered to cook and went grocery shopping the day before.

I usually enjoy cooking the giant turkey while coming up with an inventive way of making an original stuffing, but this year I wasn't really in the mood for turkey especially after eating the traditional thanksgiving meal a few days earlier at work. They even had a cooking contest at work which I didn't participate in because I was too tired after diving in the cold rain the day before, but it had me thinking of fun dishes that I would enjoy eating on Thanksgiving.

Here's the menu I came up with:
- Pizza with butternut squash roasted in Honey, Goat Cheese, Prosciutto, yellow peppers, Mushrooms
- Beef Bourguignon
- Moelleux au chocolat

It was quite a challenge for a stoner since the "beef bourguignon" usually needs to be prepared way in advance but I did the express version of the recipe.

Beef Bourguignon (6 people)
- 3 lbs of beef Stew
- Beef Broth
- Garlic
- onions
- Carrots
- Cilantro (It's usually Parsley but I like cilantro better)
- Fresh Thyme
- Bacon
- A bottle of wine
- A shot of brandy (It's usually cognac but since I didn't have any I used brandy)
- A tablespoon of flour
- Mustard

Cut the onions, garlic and carrots in a bowl, add the beef, cilantro and thyme and season is with salt and pepper. Add half of the bottle of wine and the shot of cognac and let it marinate for 24 hours, mixing the marinade every 6 hours.

At the beginning of thanksgiving day I sizzled the beef in a pan after draining the marinade in another bowl. Once the meat gets browns, add a few pieces of lard or bacon and let it fry with the mix until it's cooked.

Put the meat in a crock pot and add the marinade on top. Add the flour and the mustard. Let is stew on high for at least 6-7 hours.Add wine or beef broth if there isn't enough marinade for the meat to stew. I also added mushrooms in the stew. I served it with basil linguine.

Pizza: I have a small kitchen so I didn't make the dough but Trader Joe's has some pre-made pizza dough that is very convenient and quite good. I shredded the butternut squash in aluminium foil, added olive oil honey and pepper and threw the mix in the over on 375 for 40 minutes.When it was almost time to eat I rolled the crust into some shape that closely resembled a pizza and put it in the over for 10 minutes with nothing on it so it would get a little hard before adding the tomato paste and the veggies that were going to make the crust soggy. Once the crust got a little hard I took it out of the over and added all the toppings except the prosciutto. When the pizza was ready (and my pizza ended up being a little soggy so I guess I sohuld have left the crust in the oven even longer before adding the toppings) I added the strips of prosciutto on top before serving it.

Moelleux au chocolat: This wouldn't be "gourmet stoner" without a reference to our friend Mary-Jane, so here is my fancy version of an edible.
- 200g of weed butter
- 250g of 72% Dark chocolate
- 100g of flour
- 200g of powdered sugar
 - 6 eggs
- one teaspoon of vanilla extract
- one tablespoon of honey

Heat the chocolate and the butter in a bain-marie. in a bowl mix the egg whites with the flour. Add the powdered sugar and the yolks and add the melted chocolate. Add the vanilla extract and honey and mix well.
Put in the oven on 375 degrees for 20 minutes. This cake was deliciously dangerous.

At the end of the meal we played poker, shared a few more drinks, laughed a lot and stared at the man sleeping on his stool, always wondering if he was going to fall head first on the ground. It was a fantastic thanksgiving with great company.

Pocky Time

After cleaning my apartment and celebrating this endeavor with a perfectly rolled spliff. I decided to open the second box of Pocky sticks that my friend from work gave me. The regular pocky sticks are good but these ones had a thicker layer of chocolate and the dark chocolate swirl around it gives it a nice texture. It's still crunchy but with more chocolate with every bite. I think I have to go stock up on these.