The Gourmet Stoner Tips: Going to the restaurant

There are two kinds of stoners: Those who get the munchies right after smoking and those who lie and say they don't get the munchies (I believe that should be categorized as an eating disorder). Whether we enjoyed a toke on the top of a mountain after finishing a strenuous hike, in the comfort of our home or at a coffee shop in Amsterdam we all face a situation that leads to hours of discussion and complex tasks if not handled properly: What are we going to eat?

While cooking or buying a good healthy meal at supermarket is always an option, let's face it....Munchies doesn't really rhyme with Tofu and beets but it does rhyme with cookies and goodies....and those goodies are even better if you don't have to move a finger or wash a single dish after it's all said and eaten...so we usually opt for the other option: Going to a restaurant.

Now going to a restaurant with other people can be a daunting task in the first place, but if one of the members in the group happens to be stoned, it becomes a whole new experience. However, it does have potential to go well if the stoner has been trained properly.

There are a few rules that everyone should observe when going to a restaurant but these following rules are especially important for potheads who forget everything their mama taught them when they walk into food heaven.

1: Pick a location before you go
This might seem like an obvious one but how many times have you just gotten into your car driving to a neighborhood saying: We'll park the car and walk around and see what looks good. Here's what's going to happen: by the time you park your car everyone will already be starving....so everything will look good and nobody is going to want to walk around looking at other people eating. Pick a restaurant and go there (DO NOT stop a gas station or at a liquor store on the way there...there will be too many tempting munchies options that will kill your appetite)
Budget Tip: DO NOT pick a restaurant where you can't afford the most expensive item on the menu because chances are: that's what you're going to order when you're stoned.

2: Know what you're going to order before you get there:
There will be waiters going across the room with desserts in their hands, sizzling dishes, and cold pints of beer and you will be surrounded with delicious dishes on other customers' tables so it will become harder to make a decision once you get there.We all have smart phones and most restaurants have their menu online, and there is no excuse for spending ten minutes deciding what you're going to eat when everyone else is about to collapse because they're so hungry. While some stoners might think it's funny that you keep repeating "Everything looks sooooooo Goooooood!" every five seconds while reading the menu, others might want to grab their fork and stick it in your eye. Also: DO AVOID restaurants with pictures of their dishes...It is a stoner's worst ennemy and you will never get out of that restaurant the same person you were before you went in.

3: DO wash you hands before you eat
You grabbed a few nugs and shared drug paraphernalia with a bunch of other stoners, maybe touched a few door handles along the way, then you sat down at a table and touched a menu, and you're likely to order a burger that you're going to grab with your two hands and if the sauce is good you're going to lick every single one of your fingers in the process. So go wash your hands or you'll be wondering if you're sick because of the smelly fish or because of your smelly fingers.

4: DO NOT Stare:
There will also be a lot of other distractions in the restaurant like Televisions, hot waitresses, and amusing signs...DO NOT stare! Once you start staring you will get lost in whatever you're staring at and the group will take advantage of that by stealing fries from your plate and you will look like the creep in the restaurant.

5: DO NOT go to a "All-You-Can-Eat" Restaurant
While this may sounds like a smart plan at the time when you decide to go after you tenth bong hit, you might either regret it the morning after.....or you will regret it that same day. Either way, nothing comes out of a group of stoners going to a restaurant where the customer is allowed to eat a much as their stomach can take. Smoking somehow makes the brain think that our stomach is bigger than it actually is and when we come down form our high, we realize that it wasn't actually a black hole where food was disappearing from the surface of the earth.

6: DO Order water with your meal
Yeah, I knwo you "need" your beer and the cold pop makes your brain "tingle" but your cottonmouth is telling you one thing: You need to give it some good ol' water. Your body will thank you.,,,especially after you eat at that all-you-can-eat sushis restaurant in the middle of the desert.

7: DO NOT laugh obnoxiously
I do realize it's easier said than done and if somebody says something funny we would probably all laugh. But if the cooks in the kitchen can hear you laughing then maybe it's a little too loud. Think of your obnoxious stoner laugh as a fart: We know you can't help it but just go outside for a second if you're laughing so hard that tears are coming out of your dry eyes.

8: DO Order dessert when the Waitress asks
Let's face it, someone in the group will have a sweet tooth, and even if you don't want to indulge too much, you know you're going to grab one of those spoons when it's time for everyone to share that one slice of goodness....or you will regret not trying it. The waitress will be happy too because her tip just got bigger and everyone will come out of this experience a happy camper.

9: DO take your leftovers in a take away box
It might feel like this was the biggest meal you've ever had and there's no way you're ever going to eat anything again for at least twelve hours, but believe me: when you come back home to enjoy your digestive joint, you will be grateful for that food an hour later when all you have to do is throw it in the microwave to re-heat it. DO NOT stare at the food while you're microwaving it, the waves might damage your brain.

10: DO Leave a nice tip...if one of the members in your group didn't follow one of these rules
Whether you realize it or not, chances are that one person in your group was that annoying stoner that didn't follow these rules....and even if everybody acted in a civilized manner, you probably scared off other customers who may have enjoyed a cup of coffee or another beer...so be nice to the person who just made your life so much easier and fed you a delicious meal.

"Thomas Hill Organics" Market Bistro - Paso Robles

This week I had the chance to spend some time in the Redwoods National Park near Big Sur and enjoyed every second of this short vacation. On the way down, I took the scenic route from Cambria to Palos Robles to stop at a restaurant for my girlfriend's birthday. 

Paso Robles is like the mini "Napa Valley" of Southern California. It's somewhat of a small city but it's full of inviting wine tasting rooms and charming restaurants with local flavors. It was already late when we arrived there and most of the places were closed, but we ended up falling upon what ended up being one of the best culinary experiences I've ever had: "Thomas Hill Organics" Market Bistro.

When I went on their website to check the menu before walking in, I was delighted to learn that their menu changed every day depending on what the cook found at the local organic farms and markets. That was a good sign.

We walked in and I immediately apologized for wearing what I had been wearing at the campsite which consisted of black sweat pants, sandals and a "Smurf" T-shirt with firewood scent...but that's what I also loved about this restaurant: they didn't kick us out. We sat down in their outdoor patio that was simply but elegantly decorated and we started salivating at the menu that was full of creative dishes made with fresh local produce.

We started with some local white wine from the Paso Robles Bodegas Winery, and we ordered the appetizer that we were going to share: "Braised Beluga Lentil Tacos, Carrot Ginger Purée, Candied Jalapenos, Chews & coconut, Watermelon, Cilantro"

These Tacos were by far the most delicious and inventive tacos I had ever had. The mix of the flavorful organic vegetables and the sweet fruits was the best way to get a taste of this incomparable restaurant. 

We then shared two entrées (I love to share all the dishes on the table to get a taste of everything). The first one was: "Pan Roasted Alaskan Halibut Cheeks, Roasted Baby Beets, Macerated Strawberries Pickled Watermelon, Coconut Cream, Mint Leaves, Citrus Vinaigrette". Here's the thing, I'm usually not a fan of beets but this restaurant's chef changed my view on beets that night. Every bite out of this original dish was heavenly, the presentation was sophisticated and enticing, the fish was perfectly cooked, and the staff was incredibly friendly.

Our second Entrée was a thin crust pizza with THO apples, Bacon, Mon Brie Cheese, Roasted Red Onion and Cremini Mushrooms. We had ordered a glass of red wine from their fabulous wine list at this point and I had to take a picture of the wine list because this wine was one of the boldest and tastiest red wine I had drank in a long time. (Our incredible red wine was: "Thomas Hill Vineyards 10' Miscela Delle Colline"). Eating the pizza while munching on this crispy and savory pizza was a perfect way to finish the meal.....before dessert of course.

I tried to be sneaky and I pretended to go to the bathroom to ask our waiter to bring a dessert with thirty candles. That was the only time they manged to disappoint me because they had run out of candles, and I think our waiter was also a little shy so he didn't even try to sing "happy birthday", but the "Chocolate Fondant (flourless chocolate cake) with Dulce de Leche and Honey Frosting" made up for it. We cleaned off the plate and shared coffee brought to the table in a French press. They apparently create their coffee blend themselves by picking some of their favorite beans and mixing them together.

They had a few baskets full of fresh fruits from the farm by the front door and we bought a pound of a medley of fruits and headed back on the road to Los Angeles. At this point, you understand that I highly recommend this restaurant if you drive to San Francisco, from San francisco, or if you ever get remotely close to Paso Robles while you drive on the 101 freeway. Even if you're a little far from it, it is definitely worth the drive. 

"La Romantica" - Clichy

Paris is full of surprises. I was recently treatd to one of the best meals I had this year. At the end of the most dreaded subway line 13,  in a prestine location in the heart of Clichy, lies an Italian restaurant full of charm. Who knew they had fancy restaurants there?

We left early to get to the restaurant because taking the awful line 13 in the subway can be quite an adventure....especially during rush hours. It is the only line in Paris where people are paid to stand on the platform all day to help push people in the packed trains before the doors close on them (just like in Japan). It also usually breaks down at least once between two stations where the air conditioning stops working for a few minutes and the the temperature rises quickly. You will most likely be touched inappropriately, you will have to hold on to everything you slightly care about (like your wallet, cell phone, Ipad), and you might not even  be able to get out the train at your preferred stop if the train is packed with douchebags. But the ride was well worth it that night.

Needless to say, if you can avoid taking this line to get to the restaurant, I would highly recommend taking a cab. Then again, if you can afford this restaurant you can probably afford the cab ride there. Note: They even have valet parking is you decide to drive.

Once we reached our destination we stopped by my sister's place to enjoy a perfectly rolled spliff before meeting the rest of our group at the Restaurant. A much needed break after the subway nightmare.

The restaurant is located inside the courtyard of a residential building. There is an outdoor patio that is covered in the unlikely event of a downpour from the sky and the staff makes you feel like a thousand bucks the minute you walk in (probably because you're about to spend that much in the restaurant). The staff was fairly young, the waiters all sounded Italian, and the atmosphere was upscale. After we sat down and ordered our drinks the waiter managed to tell us what the specials were for the evening. When he was done listing the mouth watering items, he looked at our confused faces and asked us politely if he had talked too fast. I simply answered that it wasn't his fault and that we were probably thinking too slow. Our uptight waiter looked at me and my sister, stared at our eyes, and realized what we had done a few minutes earlier.....all of a sudden he turned from overly polite to very casual, even telling jokes and goofing around.

The friend who was treating us ordered the pasta tasting for the entire table which included an appetizer, four plates of pasta, and a dessert. He also ordered a delicious wine: Gregoletto Rosso. Since it was a blind tasting I couldn't write down the items and the waiter would tell us what he was bringing every time but I was too busy eating to listen to his shenanigans. However I did manage to take a few pictures.

Mango Purée with Asparagus Cream

Caprese Salad with Tapenade

Ravioli  dello scrittoe all' astice europeo

Tagliolini with Zucchini, tomatoes, and garlic

Rigatoni with eggplant, fresh tomatoes, smoked cheese, pine nuts

The last pasta dish was the main reason we went to this restaurant. Their specialty dish is the Leggera di taglioni "Romantica" (pasta with sage cream flambéed in a wheel of parmesan). Many people had ordered it before us around our table and we had had the chance to witness the ritual a few times before this dish reached our table. We got to know a little more about our waiter as he mixed the fresh pasta around in the melting cheese and even though it tasted a little bit like "fettuccine Alfredo" it was a great way to end the pasta tasting. 

But it wasn't over yet.

  

Fruit salad, Strawberries soaked in balsamic, Raspberry sherbet and chocolate mousse

Coffee and sweet treats

After almost four hours at the table, we were the last guests to leave the restaurant with a full stomach and great memories. 

www.laromantica.fr

"More" The buffet at Luxor, Las Vegas

When you win money, Las Vegas has plenty of amazing fine dining but when you lost all your gambling fund you end up at a buffet to make sure you fill up on one meal for the entire day. We were close to the Luxor and since I received a 5$ coupon for losing all my money at their poker table we decided to give it a try. 

For the most part it was a surprisingly decent buffet filled with hungover college students, obese couples and excited tourists. It's a stoner's paradise except...I wasn't stoned since we flew to Las Vegas this time.

I still filled up on a couple of slices of pizzas, spaghetti, orange chicken, fish, meatballs and a little bit of salad. At the end of the meal I couldn't resist trying all the desert that looked so tasty. But just like a lot of other things in Vegas, it just looked the part but most of the deserts were deceiving.

I picked up what had been falsely advertised as a chocolate mousse, a pistachio creme brulée, a panna cotta, a flan and a tiramisu. The chocolate mousse and the tiramisu tasted almost the same: like a buttery cream with different coloring (I wouldn't be surprised if that was actually the case). I had to spit out the panna cotta but that's only because on top of being bad it was also flavored with lemon and I wasn't ready for that. The pistachio creme brulée was decent if you like pistachios but don't expect a creme brulée. The only thing they hadn't completely ruined for me that day was the flan which ended up what I chose to have with my digestive coffee. Then we headed out and grabbed one last beer before saying goodbye to Vegas.